this journal will be going inactive. I need to recreate myself and that includes my online persona and yes indeed some contacts. Of course there are those who will come with me to my new start. If you would like my new i.d simply ask in a message or comment.
Goodbye Kyo's world.

So i made the dumbest decision i could have possibly made... to stop taking my meds...

I know, stupid and dangerous, i just... i wanted to be normal, for him...

I ended up making myself very ill and now i can hardly move without falling over and throwing up, i cant sleep and i keep seeing spiders everywhere. I told mys... she was not happy, i was dreading telling her cause i knew she'd be angry. Only because she loves me and wants me healthy n happy and she knows i need to take my pills. She didnt lecture me too much, i just got loves and support and told gently but firmly to take my pills. I do love her <3

Nicholas... could i possibly be more in love? I don't think it's humanly possible to be more crazy in love. He's like this angel that showed up and saved me. I just want to be with him all the time and every day and night and forever...
He's scared i'm gonna go back to dannay...
I won't ever just walk away from him i've never been this happy. Just laying in bed with him, curled up on his fluffy chest feels like heaven.

Trying to find a new house... i've seen a good few places worth checking out. I want somewhere to turn into a home. not a house, a place to live... a home!

ugh my head is screaming so imma stop writing for today i'll do a longer update next time guys, till then iunno go watch my old youtube vlogs or somethin hahahaha <3

I'm scared Nicholas will leave me...

With the dreams back and me showing more and more of my real self it's only a matter of time till he realises im really fucked up.
The question is what will he do when he realizes?
will he walk and get as far away from my own brand of nuerosis as fast as he can? will he try and deal with it?
I'm scared...
My heart ache's...

Bluergh. Thats all i can say about christmas this year. wow it sucked majorly.

My mum moaned allday about being in agony and then there was the fighting and squabbling. Making me feel like shit and i for the first time didnt go round to my dads because i couldnt handle him telling me how im fat anf ugly and a dissapointment all over again as per usual so i lied tlld him i was sick.

After about two hours of my family i had, had enough i couldnt take it anymore so i went home and spent the rest of christmas day alone in y room listening to my vinyl's.

I missed nicholas a whole hell of a lot. And i was a little gutted he didnt phone me :( i always get a little jelous when del phones n icky and i sit next to him answering my text, it's like just jealousy plain and simple, cause i wish nicholas wwould phone me the way del does nicky and i get jelous cause del gets to spend so much more time with nicky than nicholas does wth me.

I spend most of the time hiding in my room these days tbh. i feel unwanted no matter where i go. I hate this feeling and im scared that my meds might get upped again.

The dreams are back... the ones that make my skin crawl the ones about him... memories really...
i have to re live it over and over and over, and everytime the fear and humiliation is just as great. I'm also terrified cause nicholas is staying over a lot and i dont want to wake up screaming certain things out to him...

Very scared right now that my inability to meet him family and stuff he may have to deal with through my nightmares are gonna scare him off, i got a chill to day cause he text saying he had something important to say i immediatly thought im fucked hes leaving me. it wasnt he was asking me to his mums again but im very scared things are gonna go sour he'll see the real me and run for the hills.

spent xmas mostly alone and now im not sure if i'll get to see nicholas for hogmany either :(

Hey guys, what's been happening in the world of Kyo since I last posted?

Not a whole hell of a lot. I'm worrying living with nicky isn't working out. I seem to constantly piss him off and its hard. He also has been on this major obsessive thing recently about making me watch all these things about the end of the world and he knows how much that shit scares me.

I was planning on moving back into my mums for a little while till i found a place of my own but more and more i'm thinking i cant just go running back to my mums when things fuck up, im a grown up now and i should act like it.

I've been very happy a lot lately and it's all down to one little word... Nicholas.

I've fallen so damn crazy in love sometimes i have to remind myself to breathe. One thing which is upsetting though is that we wont see eachother on xmas day or newyears :(

He has to stay home with his mum and i admit i shed a wee tear cause i wanted my kiss at midnight and to start the newyear together. But i totally understand he cant just leave his mum in all alone that would be cruel. I miss him so much when hes not around, he makes me feel so special.

We're both total dorks which makes it even better, none of my ex's ever understood my dorky side. He bought me the little time peice from harry potter that hermione uses to traveel back in time so she can do all those extra classes and said now we have all the time in the world together. i hugged him so tightly, i loved it so much, i love him so much and it happened so fast. But it feels right this time.

I told him all about my best friend mys and he was like so when do i get to meet this amazing person which made me sad and i had a wee moment then explained that she lived in sweden.
Sarah is coming home!!!!!!!!!!!!! she says nic has to pass her test to make sure he's good enough tehehe.

When it comes to tomorrow im not actually that excited. Sitting in my grans with my mum miserable in pain gran stressed and tired bad food that i have to pretend is amazing and no russian boy by my side, moy nicholai <3

I really want to start playing in fandom again but i dont know how to start you know to get back into the circle hmmmm...

well a\nyway thats all for now. <3

After yet another guy fucked me over I have found myself thinking is it eer going to happen for me?

I mean after the bitch who shall not be named destroyed my faith in love, i mean she really fucked me up when she kept playing with my emotions knowing full well she had me wrapped around her little finger.

I thought this Ian guy was someone i could open up to again WRONG!!!!!

Will i ever find someone who doesnt see my heart as a chew toy for there pet rottwieler?

Enter Nicholas.

Nicholas is a forensic science major/ male model, who skateboards, is in a band and the most important thing in the world to him is his 4 year old sister.
I'm trying to take it slow......... yes i know, kyo's don't do slow we fall head first and drown in emotion.
He seems so fucking perfect, but i just am finding it so hard to trust all the beautiful things he says after all the times i've believed people before and been lied to and left heart broken.

He texts me constantly and can't get enough of me and the things he says... he sounds like he's so into me it's feirce. He knows i have problems and accepts it and constantly says im perfect and he wouldn't have me any other way.



okay so i stopped typing this up and came back to finish it today. nicholas is amazing and i sort of broke down with him last night, i told him about tod about the rape and the beatings and how my whole fucked up life got started. he was so beyond fantastic and didnt give up until he'd made me smile.
this is fucking scary, it's not a gooey eyed girl crush anymore it's turning into something more.

We've been together loads since my last post he's been round to meet my family who love him and nicky really really loves him too.

Did i mention the sex is amazing... the things that boy can do with his tongue... woah.

he does this adorable little thing when you scritch his chin or just behind his ear and looks like a huge cat. He always comes up behind me and cuddles me which always gives me butterflies. Honestly guys hugging a girl from behind on a surprise when shes not expecting it is the best thing you could ever do. He kisses my neck and my tootsies curl.

he has a cute smile, but he hates his teeth even though i like them cause he has pointed incisors ;D
He even let me and nicky groom him today tehehe we waxed his eyebrows and put a pacepack strip over his nose , it was fun.

When he was leaving jusrt nowhere out of the blue he said... love you... i clambed up. i totally stuttered and couldnt speak. I can't say it, if i say it that makes it real and that means he can hurt me. which he says he never wants to do but when you've been fucked around as much as me its hard to trust even the most sincere words.

lulabelle loes him, i think my lil lulu puppy is more attatched to him than me hahahaha he even calls her lulabelle and gives her cuddles. he's so sweet and caring and genuine and perfect... so why cant i let myself trust? just let myself fall in love and trust him with my heart?
i know why, cause if it's broken one more time i don't think i could handle it... i really dont.

Please don't fall in love heart... Please let me fall in love head... so confusing.

My thoughts are so messed up and tangled but im feeling all the same things he is i just am too scared to acknowledge them... ugh i dunno maybe in time ill stop being afraid?

So i'm running around in 7th heaven thinking I have an amazing new boyfriend, or at least he would be my boyfriend soon. And i havent heard from him since we got together at the rock night again...

So again i'm left wondering am i just a toy thats fun to play with once a month or does he really like me the way he makes out when wer together???

God why does everything have to be so complicated?? I don't get it :S When he's with me he acts so loved up with me it's unreal and then i dont hear from him for ages and ii dont know whats going on am i just not girlfriend material??

And now I have this guy chasing after me called Nicholas, who seems like the perfect guy on paper and says all the right things about how i deserve to be treated better and wants me to give him a chance.
Which makes me feel like a total slutbagwhore because i like it when he's flirting with me and i kinda flirt back sometimes... and im still kinda seeing Ian i mean the last time i saw him i told him guys had been hitting on me left right and centre but all i wanted was him and now im flirting with some other guy...

It doesnt help that i have people whispering in my ear saying Ian is out partying with other girls and my housemate wants me to kick him to fuck and move on. So i feel a lot of pressure to just forget him but at the same time there are feelings there so i cant just go out with this new guy and forget all about him... but this new guy says he feels a connection between us and doesnt like the way he sees me being treated and he's making it really hard to not like him.

Then again every time i trust someone enough to let them in we all know what happens, heartache, more and more heartache.

Doesnt help that im living in a house with nicky and del and they are so in love its sickening. i mean im beyond happy for them and i love seeing them being sweet with eachother it just makes me smile seeing nicky happy and carefree but it also makes me feel sad cause i dont have anyone cuddling and kissing me, no one to go to bed with at the end of the night and snuggle up to in the cold. it's hard.

I can't believe i'm doing this but i'm meeting nicholas tomorrow to watch a movie...  im a horrible person, but i'm lonely...
I mean i guess im young and i should date different people

Life. Y'know people make fun of me for my fandom but the strongest and most powerful sentence i have clung to through the hardest times in my life was given to me by fandom.

The hardest thing in this world... is to live in it.

The truth in that sentence echoes through every strife i face in my sorded little life. And if you can name that fandom you gain extra points with kyo, if you can't you need educating.

Lately life has thrown some of the hardest curve balls yet at me and it's been anything but easy. Getting over my last relationship was hard but i'm out at the other end and i made it through without the doc putting me inside the way they wanted to. Ihave to take pride in that and the fact that i have finally took a step in the right direction, my meds have been lowered by 150mg.

After a lot of failures and missed oppertunities i have finally decided to start my own buisness and put my creative mind to good use. I may not be smart and i made not be buisness cunning, but i have imagination to rival the greats. My first novel is coming along nicely and i've started looking into publishing companies around where i live.

One thing i have hated about myself for many years was the self mutilation i succumbed to far too many times. I am happy to say i once again have it under control and as the song says, my scars remind me that the past is real. You know what though? that's exactly what it is; the past.

I started actually going out and having fun recently, i still get nervous every night i do venture out and i still feel like the fat ugly girl in the room, but those are my issues and i have to get past them myself. No matter how many people tell me im not fat or im not ugly, i have to try and change my own way of thinking before i'll stop feeling like such a failure.

Funny thing happened, you know the guy i complained about following me around too much at the house party for dannys birthday? Who was far too eager to get me into bed? You'll never believe this but he didn't give up, although he had no memory of what he was like that night, which i have to laugh at. Yup Ian, my little stalker actually turned out to be a really nice guy. For over 4 months he kept up the chase. WE would meet at pitchers on rock night every time. He was so shy he wouldn't even speak when i was around at first. Eventually we started leaving the group and talking alone in our little corner. That turned into cuddles and flirting, which in turn turned into a few stolen kisses. Soon we were giggling and making out in the club but still he wouldn't talk to me in everyday life too shy so says his friends. So i decided to make the first move (yes i'm aware how crazy that sounds considering how shy i am)
I asked him out, outside of the club. Well really i asked him to ask me out. I sent him a text after that saying. Look at it this way. When you hug me i hold on just a little longer, when you kiss me i kiss back. If you ask me out i'm gonna say yes.

I know where the hell did i get the confidence for that one???

So FINALLY i recieve a text asking me to meet him in irvine for a drink. I was so nervous cause i was already out shopping so i ran to newlook and bought a new top and some boots and then went to boots for make up. I did a wonder woman style change in the irvine mall toilets and set off to meet him.
He came out of the bar to meet me and then we went in and had a few drinks and chatted, then he walked me back to the mall. We sat on the wall outside and had a little kiss, it was lovely. When he kisses me it's always gentle and soft, not like a horny guy who just wants in my pants.

I asked him if he was gonna take me out again and he said of course and kissed me again, i got butterflies for the first time then. It felt so nice when he pulled me closer and hugged me tight. We decided we would go out the following night and then said our goodbyes. When i got home i realized i had fucked up big time cause i was supposed to be going to Casey's karate show that night but i decided i'd text him and invite him as my date, he accepted.

I tok ages getting ready and waited, then waited and then he text he was running late. We didn't make the show but he came round and me, him and my housemate Nick and his new fella Del all sat had a few drinks and laughed all night.
Something happened that night, i had made up my mind we were NOT gonna have sex. But when i was talking about my little brother and how he'd nearly died, and i don't even know if he knew he was doing it but he stared rubbing my back and when i said something harder than normal to say he squeeze me just a little. I found my self thinking woah... he really does like me, i mean not just as a fuck, he's being caring and comforting me subtily... wow...
When it was time for bed i took him to my room. Yes, yes we did.

We cuddled and put a movie on but in minutes we were kissing and one thing lead to another...
Don't judge you have to remember that we'd been dancing around the topic and having hot n heavy make out sessions for months.
I've never have thought it would be like it was though, from all the tension building i thought it's gonna be hard and fast and over in minutes, just a release. But it wasn't, he kissed me softly, curled his finger's round mine, touched my body gently and when it came to the main act, it wasn't furious and fucking it was smooth and gentle and made shivers run up my spine. He never stopped kissing me and afterwards the kisses and gentleness didn't stop. he just lay there staring into my eyes and peppering me with tiny kisses while i stroked his hair back. I was looking at him, looking back at me and i couldn't help that thought creeping up on me... god i could fall for this guy...

We snuggled under the covers and watched a tiny bit of a movie, i fell asleep with him curled around me and it felt so nice. When i woke up i snuggled into him and tried not to wake up, i didnt want the night to end. Finally we got up and when he left he hugged and kissed me and the way he held me so tightly; it felt wonderful.

And here's where crazy Kyo has to almost ruin things once again. after a few days he stopped texting me back and i freaked i thought i really was nothing more than a fuck and he was just another liar who used me.
I finally got a message from him it said he was working nonstop and practically bankrupt and he was sorry, but also i had nothing to worry about and i'd done nothing wrong.

Still i wouldnt let myself believe, i decided i was not going to get involved with him because he's just going to hurt me, i mean he does have this little following of fangirls.

Then rock night came along... Suzi comes up to me and tells me Ian's just asked chris to ask me if you're here. So he showed up after a while and i was right back into a little girl with a crush mode. It was awesome. We snuggled and kissed a lot and it felt good. I wanted him to come home with me so bad that night but he had work first thing and he asked me back to his place but me being me was terrified of being stranded somewhere i didn't know alone, trying to get home after he went to work. So at the end of the night we pried ourselves off of eachother and made our way out the club (after a certain little troll tried to cause shit between us)
he walked me to the car taking me home and then we said goodnight... a lot...
we were wrapped up in eachother and making out against the car, he kissed my neck and gave me a little nip... i almost fainted. I actually love it when he kisses my neck, it gives me chills.
I told him i wanted to change my relationship status to seeing someone to stop people hitting on me, he said he wasnt surprised i got hit on i laughed.
He opened the car door for me and helped me in, and with one last kiss that was it. He turned and had the little smirk on his face that gave me butterflies as he was leaving.

I was walking around in a daydream the whole next day, i keep calling him my blondie bear haha.
Oh i havent even mentioned how cute he is. He has longish blonde hair and blue eyes, the cutest little pout and such a stunning smile (yes myssy his teeth are fantastic and he has slightly pointy insicors!!)

Apart from crushing like a 14 yr old girl i have been missing merlin like fucking crazy and she finally finished pauldren!fic god we've been working on that since forever it was her baby and im always so proud that she wants me to read her work first but this time i failed her. She posted without me reading and i felt so low because of it. My life really has been a mess and so fucked up but she's my first priority and i let her down, even though she'll say i didn't. Literally in the important scale of my life kyle and her are my number one! I refuse to ever let her down again and now that i have internet access i will be able to talk to her every day again, just like the old days.

woah i have rambled a looooot tonight. I better stop and say goodnight.

One thing has always held true in my life, I am my own worst enemy and always will be.

I have been #MIA for weeks now and i owe explanation. Basically Dannay kicked me out of my house and he's moving to Dalry with his new girlfriend, his new life, and my animals.
Now anyone who knows me even the slightest little top layer of crazy deep knows my animals are more than my world, there beyond everything to me and he took them away.
He turned into a vry cruel person over the last few months. He gave me back everything i ever gave him, love letters i wrote him postcards and all the mementos from our time together. He asked for my engagment ring back to sell. He's been shouting at me and making me feel like shit all the while taking every penny I have from my accounts.
There is so much more but i cant even recall them all clearly at this point like making sure i seen him and his new girl in bed and he took her to see my fave singer and rubbed it in.
It got so bad i became a zombie and did nothing but sleep and self mutalate then drink and smoke myself back to sleep.
medication has been upped yet again and they want me admitted as an inpatient. i'm at different psych docs every few days.

i've been sleeping on my mums sofa and smoking more than my fair share of weed with her every night then i go drinking with my friends and drink more so i dont have a panic attack then end up blitzed at whoevers house.
Suzi has been the only thing keeping me sane shes done so much for me we've been sticking to eachother like glue and i love her sooo much for helping me.

so here i am no house no animals no life. but a wee knight in shining armour arrives in the form of my Nicky. nick is a friend of mine since the beginning of school and he loves me and always takes care of me. i'm moving into his spare room this week hopefully and although it still breaks my heart not seeing my pets every day dannay says i can visit and watch them when hes on holiday. and my uncle kevin took me to a farm and we picked up a baby miniture jack russell. my gran decided shes to be called lulu cause the night before i was at a take that tribute act and they pulled me up onstage to sing as their lulu. so my life consists of taking care of her now.

I also got myself stupidly involved in very dirty texting with someone who has a girlfriend but is quite happy to fuck me on the sly :S
and now there are 2 guys reeeeally into me at the same time and im just not sure tbh.

ugh i cant type anymore about this shit my Merlin has come online and i miss her soo fucking much it hurts so later livejournal!!!

 The beat goes on....

Soooooooooooooo! whats been goin on with me? Well i have been making real progress on getting over dannay mostly because he couldn't be being a bigger asshole if he tried.

we had a big party here for his birthday i was terrified i didn't know any of the people there and i was hit on profusely by every single fucking guy at the party. One guy Ian was so all over me and started kissing me even when i stopped him he wouldn't stop constantly asking to go to bed with me and steering me there then when i got away and went to bed ALONE he kept trying to get in my room I ended up having to get dannay to sleep in my room so he wouldn't come in.

Otherwise the overly rejected Kyo found a new boy she liked playing with. His name is Scott and he's a tattoo artist. He sweet and kinda dorky sometimes which i love. He's really nice to me and i opened up really easily to him. So after weeks of flirting overtly hugging constantly and calling each other hubby and wifey while he sleeps in my bed and cuddles me soooo tight, yeah after all this and im thinking this is going well... he gets back together with his ex and i find out from a friend because hes bringing her round with him when he tattoos my neighbors.... WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????? Why can't for once in my life i fall for someone and it just goes smoothly and lovely and someone might actually care about me... maybe even love me?